In almost everything I do, Schopenhauer is admonished me: “Be indifferent! Deny your wish! Deny life!”. And practically Schopenhauer’s influence on my life can be summed up in the following: I am a monster of indifference to most things, among them those I would not like to be; already with the things that I would most wish to be indifferent, with these I am not, I cannot, and I feel, finally, absolutely defeated by my very nature.
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There is a character in my short stories who, doing a vow of silence, says: “peace of mind is deafness”. This character is me, in my unbearable reflections. There is nothing capable of me off more than the word, the rumor of a human voice. I say that and surely you think I’m joking. But whenever I imagine a perfect world, there is no sound: silence is absolute, undisturbed. And I wonder how soon I will be annoyed by the written word as well. Let’s be reasonable: I’m not thirty, but I’m almost seventy. What if, because of advancing age, by an understandable and even natural decrease in my tolerance with things, do graphic signs bother me? Well, then I really don’t know what else life can give me.
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The most estimable class of people is the one who lives mediocrely from home to work for decades without making too many plans, letting life run. They make children, they get married, separating or not. So retire and end their days with their face stuck on a television. I imagine this pattern and say: Deignified! Worthy of the most ardent praises! And all other people seem to me, in different hues, diminished and enslaved by their own desire.
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In our days there is a narcissism and an excessive concern about success that are a clear sign of lack of maturity and discernment. No one else accepts be mediocre. One either see himself above what he is, or he sees himself better in the near future. Of course, that can only lead to depression. I wonder how lighter the life is to those who say in front the mirror: “You are mediocre! Your existence makes no difference to the world! In a hundred years, no one will remember you!”
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