Convictions

Convictions never cease to amaze me. I mean: I have been studying, studying and studying for a long time, and I still cannot formulate a single certainty. In all that I think I always find exceptions… Nothing, I have never found anything absolute and irrefutable, even though I look like an obsessive sicked. Then come to me, on all sides, resolutions on life, convinced answers to the most complicated questions, which most escape any kind of reason, irrefutable definitions about what goes beyond all limits… all this wrapped in amazing simplicity. I cannot help but notice that every conviction statement carries a presumption that is unbearable to me. That is why I definitely do not identify with anyone who thinks have “answers” of any kind. To me, reflection only proves the impossibility of obtaining them definitively. I do not disregard, perhaps, my own lack of capacity… But I find the phenomena more interesting if not summarized in half a dozen sentences.

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Judging: Unbearable Act!

Nothing is more unbearable to me than judging! As I have long since realized that I cannot stop doing so — albeit impersonally — I have learned to cultivate silence. Silence that, to appear outwardly patience and serenity, implies an endless inner war. I hate judgment, and yet I judge all the time. I annihilate myself when I find me condemning conducts, and I condemn all, especially mine.How I would like to hang these terrible outbursts of judgment! But there is no end, nor peace, and I consider myself victorious mantaining a minimal aspect that refers to humanity.

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The Common Christian

Despite attending the cults, parties, actively participating in the community, publishing proverbs and apologetic messages on social networks, I do not see a single distinction in the conduct of the common Christian before the rest of the people. Jesus’ prescription of conduct is, of course, recorded, but how many follow it? I think that the Christian necessarily should differ from the others, otherwise we would be Christians by inertia. I see this, for example, in Islamists. And what does the ordinary Christian do in our day? Do he sings on full voice during the service? He pays tithing? Even leaders: what currency do they pay for the title of spiritual authority? I wonder, that’s funny!… I just saw an evangelical pastor, dressed in social, entering a pub, eating a pie and following his life. I felt suddenly that I could pick up a microphone myself and, well dressed, preach to half a dozen faithful.

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Inglorious Occupation

Devote to an inglorious occupation, to work with superhuman force, to live daily with misunderstanding; fleeing conviviality, to combat ignorance, to fight by means of expression; if necessary, to face penury; to look directly at pain; to walk between shadows, in silence, moving away in serene resolution; to note the ambiguous, the contrast, undecided in which to believe; to expect nothing, never!, never abandoning duty; to feel helpless, flawed, sorry for previous oversights, ashamed of the latest production; to age ingdering, frustrated, without ever losing love at work. To die, finally, suspicious of own worth…

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